if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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