I'm jealous of your bromance
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
