I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
