I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
