The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
