Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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