I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
