At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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