apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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