Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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