He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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