So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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