Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
