Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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