our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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