I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
