I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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