my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
