Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
