I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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