you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
