Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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