3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
