i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize