FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
