I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
