Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
