She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
