Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
