Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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