i just wanna soil my oats bro
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize