my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
