I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the day after is always just damage control
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
