So drunk its hurt
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
