so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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