I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
