He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i drank out of a bidet.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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