Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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