dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
