Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
