I met the friendliest cop last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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