I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
