He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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