margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
