Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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