Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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