Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
