Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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