I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
