Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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