I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
