The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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All you need to know is that isn't jizz
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
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