My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
