I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
