Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
