Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He did a backflip because drugs
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
