i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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