I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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