i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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