Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
