Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
