The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
