Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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